Every day I miss you more
by Snowy1993
Summary: Derek and Meredith's daughter has gone missing 2 years ago. Meredith hasn't been coping with it very well. Will a new goal in her life change that?
1. Chapter 1

_(Meredith) Loosing a child is awful. You never get over it. It is not like loosing your grandmother who was ninety. The grieving might take a while, but it isn't the same. 'cause when you lose a child, you will always wonder. What if. What if this or that didn't happen. What if I... And even worse: you see other people's kids. You hear them. And of course you can't shut your nieces and nephews out, just because your kid is gone. That would be unfair. But sometimes you do wonder... the pain that you are going through... is that fair? _

2 years earlier

'Mummy, look!' Emily said enthusiastically.

Meredith turned towards her child with a smile on her face. They had received her due to an experimental treatment for women with her exact fertility-issue. Emily was the living proof: the treatment worked. And there her daughter stood, showing her a ladybug walking across her tiny hand, as if it was a miracle. Most people wouldn't say a ladybug was a miracle. But on the other hand, some people took children for granted too. So she decided that as long as her daughter thought a ladybug was some sort of miracle, she would too. 'That's amazing honey! Hey listen, I need to call your dad, to ask him when exactly he will be home, why don't you go play near the swings, where I can see you?' Her daughter nodded and ran happily towards the swings. She would never forget how her daughter ran. It was the last time she would see her. 'cause when she hang up the phone and turned around her daughter was gone.

_I turned away for one second. And my baby girl was gone. My daughter, my Emily, was gone. _


	2. Chapter 2

Of course they had looked everywhere for Emily. They had called the police, who had also done the best they could. Weird. That was all she could think about it the first few weeks. How could her 4 year old daughter be gone, just like that? Most likely someone took her. Who would do that? With what purpose? After weird came blaming herself. She had turned around for a sec. Sure, she did that a lot more often. But why on earth had she asked her daughter to stay where she could watch her, if she didn't watch her? Funny, isn't it? Yes, that was the next phase: bitterness. It had taken them so long to receive Emily. And now she was gone. Just like that. Sure, she had talked to someone who was supposed to be able to help her. But of course he couldn't. He hadn't ever lost a kid. So she went to a meeting for people who's kids where dead. She didn't fit in. She hadn't buried Emily. For all she knew, her baby girl could still be alive. So she stopped looking for help. She quit her job. She couldn't be around so many people anymore. And now she just sat home. Doing nothing. She had no idea what she should do. Her life was shattered. How could she put the pieces back in shape? Derek really was handling this way better. Of course he was sad too. Devastated. But he didn't quit his job. He didn't stop living his life. She guessed he had sort of... accepted it. Shouldn't she have done that too by now? At least she should miss her baby girl a little less now, right? But she didn't. Actually, it was the opposite: every day she missed her a little more.


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith sighed. She should do something, instead of sitting at the table, thinking about how her life was ruined. Talking about dark and twisty. So she got up and made some tea. After that she did the laundry and then she sat down again. Lately she had had the feeling she should do something with her life. But that just made her feel guilty. Move on with life and just forget about Emily? Never. She had talked to Derek about it and he had said that she shouldn't go do something instead of Emily, but because of Emily. And for Emily. She had looked at him with a weird look on her face. 'Like start an 'Emily foundation' or so?' she had asked him. 'Maybe...' he had said 'Maybe'. He had went to sleep after that but she couldn't. She had thought about the idea. But she had no idea with what purpose she would start such a foundation. And even when she knew.. it was scary. Starting something like that because of your lost daughter sounded... vulnerable. And like you could deal with it. And she couldn't. She couldn't deal with loosing Emily.


	4. Chapter 4

'This feels good' Christina said, after they were done laughing. 'Just like the old days, before.. you know, all the crap...'

Meredith looked at her. 'Did you just call my miscarriage, Zola and Emily crap?' she asked Christina.

'No, of course not. But loosing all three of them, now that I call crap'. Despite how serious the subject was, Meredith laughed. 'cause man, was that crap. Loosing three kids. How the hell did she do that. She took another shot of tequila. She would regret it in the morning, but right now she just wanted to forget everything. 'Hey Mer...' Christina started. Oh no, Meredith thought, the 'serious' voice. 'Derek told me something... about you starting an 'Emily foundation'. And there we go, Meredith thought. Gone old times, gone forgetting. She sighed. 'We did talk about that, but I can't do something like that. It's just too... complicated. You know, with emotions and stuff.' Christina looked at her as if she was crazy. 'Of course I know emotions and stuff, but that's not the point!' It's not? Meredith thought. 'The point is that you need to move on Mer.' Meredith opened her mouth to protest but Christina didn't give her a chance. 'No, don't say that you can't or don't want to, 'cause I know you can and you should want to. This life you've been living for the past two years isn't worth living. You're depressed, you're doing nothing, you don't have any goals, you...'

'All right, all right, I get the point!' Meredith interrupted her.

'Good.' Christina said. They were silent for a while.

Then Meredith said: 'you're right. I should do something with my life. The question is what. And how.'

Christina nodded. 'Now with that, my friend, I can help' she stated and gave Meredith her most reassuring smile.


	5. Chapter 5

Two weeks later

'Here. What about this place?' Christina said, showing Meredith a beautiful little cottage.

'Nah, too far away from... you know... people.' Meredith answered. Christina rolled her eyes. When she had offered Meredith to help finding a place for the 'Emily foundation', she hadn't thought Mer would be so picky. It was annoying. 'I've found it!' Meredith screamed, nearly giving Christina a heart attack. Christina looked at the picture. She could see why it was love at first sight. It was perfect. It was in town, but not in a crowded place. You could find it easily, but if you had nothing to do there, you wouldn't see it immediately. 'That's it' Christina whispered.

'That's it' Meredith said in awe. They immediately called the phone number that was in the advertisement and made an arrangement for the next day.

The next morning

'Derek, Derek, wake up!' Meredith said, slapping her husband lightly.

'Ouch, Mer! Stop hitting me!' Derek grunted.

'Oh you big baby! Come on, we have to be there in an hour!' Meredith said, before jumping out of bed. Derek smiled. He hadn't seen Meredith this happy since after their daughter had disappeared. He quickly came out of bed too (although less enthusiastic than Meredith) and after he got dressed he met his wife downstairs for breakfast.


	6. Chapter 6

1 month later

Meredith just stood there, with the keys in her hand, looking at the beautiful house that she would turn into the 'Emily foundation'. She had figured out exactly the purpose of the foundation. Other parents who's child had gone missing could come here for support. Meredith had also asked someone to visit the meetings who was specialised in these cases, to help them. But first, she had to re-arrange the house into something suitable for this very purpose. It should still be homey, but it obviously didn't need any bedrooms. In fact, it didn't need anything 'upstairs'. Maybe she should do something different with that. Letting people live there. Only keep one room in the house for the foundation. It would provide her some extra cash. But wouldn't it be too disturbing to the parents? She sighed. This wasn't the time to think about that. She should first make everything ready for the first meeting, which was planned in a month. She stepped inside and looked at the former living room. It was a little too big for a homey meeting, but further it was perfect. Maybe she could put some sort of coffee-table in the right side of the room and they could talk in the left, where the windows were. Or maybe the opposite. She could make this work. She was positive about it. And at least it gave her a goal in life again. Since she had started this project she had felt more alive. She had started making real dinners again for her and Derek, instead of some sort of 30 minutes meal. And she had bought some stuff she really needed, like new clothes (she had been walking in way too old shoes for almost a year now). She was happier. She still missed her daughter, she felt like her heart was missing a vital piece. But at least she could live again. Smile again. Plus, with this project, she could help others again. Not in the same way as she had helped people when she was a doctor, but in a way that was just as essential. It felt good to feel useful again. But one question kept haunting her: did she really think that helping others to deal with the grief of missing their kid, not knowing whether their child was alive or dead, happy or not and all those other things that you don't know when your child is neither with you nor in a grave, would solve her grief? Wasn't she just trying to avoid her own pain? Shouldn't she be the one going to such a meeting? Could she? Did she want too? She decided that this was something that she should think about later, just like what to do with the rest of the house. First she should re-decorate the house. She went to the kitchen, made herself a cup of coffee and starting thinking about how exactly she was going to make the living-room suitable for it's new purpose.


	7. Chapter 7

'Welcome!' Meredith said. The parents were all coming into the house, that now had it's front covered in huge painted capitals, saying: 'The Emily Foundation' and under that sentence in slightly smaller capitals: 'for the parents of missing children'. Meredith was proud, content and even more important: she had peace. Finally. Out of losing her daughter something great and valuable had come. This was the second meeting and just like with the first many parents had come to share their stories and find comfort. There was one mother in particular that Meredith liked a lot. Her name was Hannah and her son had gone missing while they were visiting an amusement park. She still wonders sometimes how it could have happened. She was a single mum, so after Daniel had gone missing, she had nothing left. But she decided to make something out of her life and had started her own business. But every night she came home to an empty apartment and felt so lonely. She missed her son so much and thought about him day and night. Of course there were also parents who's kids had been found, dead or alive. But they didn't fit in. At least they knew where their children were. Meredith expected that after a few more meetings there would be a small group of circa ten parents left, instead of the eighteen that were currently visiting the foundation. Derek hadn't paid much attention to the foundation, it really had been her 'thing'. And that was fine. He had his job and she had the foundation. But she was frightened about the long term effect that this new situation would have on their relationship. She wondered sometimes if they weren't growing apart. What was holding them together? Being doctors? No, she wasn't a doctor anymore. Their children? No need to start about them. Their love? She laughed bitterly. She had no idea. She just hadn't. Maybe their relationship would get stronger soon. If not, she was scared she might become just Meredith again, instead of MerDer. She sighed. 'Meredith?' She turned around to see who had called her. It was Hannah. 'Do you want to come sit with us, have some coffee? Maybe.. maybe you can tell them about Emily, like you have told me.' Meredith looked at Hannah in shock. 'I... um.. I don't think I'm ready for that, why don't you guys just.. you know.. go ahead without me.' She answered and then walked away from Hannah with tears in her eyes. The foundation wasn't here to help her. Yes, it had given her a goal, but although the talking was working for many parents, it wouldn't work for her. She was positive about it. Emily wasn't to be spoken about. Not even with Derek. The subject was closed and there was no need to open up again. That would just be like breaking a healed bone again or something. She was over it. She was. She took a deep breath and walked back into the house, to find herself a cup of coffee and a nice magazine to read while she waited for the meeting to end.


End file.
